Fair Fighting Rules
Avoid Communication Stoppers
Only 1 issue can be fought over: “Well, yeah, but last week you….”
No hitting below the belt: “You’re just like your mother!”
No name calling, labeling, or insulting: “Selfish jerk!”
No mind reading: “You don’t love me. If you did, you’d…. or What you really mean is…..”
No generalizing: “You never listen to me!” “You never do any chores!”
No digging up past history or fighting old fights: “You did the same thing two years ago…”
No gunny sacking: “I’ll blow it off for now” (and then bring it up in a fight)
No colluding: “If I don’t do it, he might think I don’t love him” or “If I say something, it might hurt his feelings” – instead, be honest NOW!
Threatening or overkill: “If you don’t start cleaning up I’ll leave you!”
Disguised as Jokes (sarcasm): “What can you expect from a woman.” Or “Sure it’s normal to wash dishes once a month!”
Relationship Crushers
Withholding: “You wouldn’t be interested.”
Countering: “You don’t know what you’re talking about”
Discounting: “You’re too sensitive”
Blocking and Diverting: “Stop your complaining”
Accusing: “You’re trying to pick a fight”
Judging & Criticizing: “You just can’t leave well enough alone”
Trivializing: “You’re getting upset about nothing”
Undermining: “Nobody asked your opinion”
Forgetting: “I don’t know what you’re talking about”
Ordering: “Get in here and clean this up”
Denying: “I never said that”
Abusive Anger: “Get out of my ****** way!”
The Assertive Message
“When you __________ (leave dishes in the sink) I feel _______ (irritated, unappreciated, frustrated, mad, etc.) Because ___________ (I just cleaned up the kitchen, etc.) I want/would like you to _________ (clean up after you eat).”
Judith L. Sloan-Price, LCSW, Austin marriage counselor and psychotherapist. Email JSP@JSPTherapy.com or call (512) 922-2256.
June 2008, Austin, TX.
